Dolphin Habitat

Things I like

2009-11-29T21:04:00.003-08:00

-George Saunders
-Zadie Smith
-Jacob King (friend)
-the Larry Sanders Show
-Ricky Gervais

Update 2

2009-11-29T21:04:00.001-08:00

Still alive.

Update

2009-10-22T22:15:00.001-07:00

Still alive.
Sorry readers.
Got all...moody.

facebook

2009-07-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

My facebook got deleted! All because of a few rim job pictures I posted!

the Late Bus!!!!

2009-06-18T12:31:00.000-07:00

The Late Bus! I wrote this!

and then there's part 2! I mean, it's one part overall, but I had to break it up to fit on Youtube.

Speed Eating

2009-06-08T23:25:00.001-07:00

INT. OLIVE GARDEN-NIGHT
BRAD and ANGELA are sitting at a table for two.
ANGELA
I feel like I haven’t been to an Olive Garden in forever.
BRAD
I’m sorry, do you want to go somewhere else?
ANGELA
Oh no! It’s fine! I love this place.
A waiter places bread sticks on the table.
BRAD
So what do you do for a living?
ANGELA
I’m a copywriter actually.
BRAD starts eating all of the bread sticks at an awkwardly fast rate. He talks while eating.
BRAD
Oh my god, I’m sorry, this is so weird, but I was just having a conversation with one of my best friends the other day about how neither of us actually know what a copywriter does. I hear it all the time but, I never actually sat down and learned what it meant.
ANGELA
Umm...wel it’s like, writing commercials, and slogans. Umm...what do you do Brad?
BRAD
Oh, I’m a competitive speed eater.
ANGELA
Oh. Oh. So, is that why?
BRAD
No, I’m just really hungry. Kidding! I have a really big competition on Sunday. I’m not grossing you out, am I?
ANGELA
Oh, no not at all!
BRAD
So where are you from?
ANGELA
West Virginia.
BRAD
Oh my gosh no way!
ANGELA
Oh, are you from there?
BRAD
Well, sort of.
A man at the table near Brad leaves. Brad walks over to his table and eats his food while talking.
BRAD (CONT’D)
I lived there for three years actually, from 5th grade until seventh grade. But I visit the area, a lot of my friends from college actually ended up coming from the high school I would have gone to had I stayed there.
ANGELA
Oh, wow.
A WAITER approaches.
WAITER
Good evening mam, how can I...Brad!? Brad! How are you!
BRAD
Hey Charlie, I’m doing great. How’s your theatre group doing?
WAITER
Doing great. Are you here on business tonight, or pleasure?
BRAD
Oh uh, a little of both I guess.
WAITER
Well great! So the usual?
BRAD
That’d be great, just easy on the caneloni, if you will. Don’t want to load too many carbs.
WAITER
Totally.
The Waiter leaves.
ANGELA
Do you come here, often?
BRAD
Yeah, I sort of train here. So have you heard about this whole Jenny McCarthy thing? Is that nuts or what?
ANGELA
Oh, yeah. Really bizarre stuff.
At least twenty plates are placed in front of Brad. Brad starts eating.
BRAD
I mean, I understand where she’s coming from, but come on lady! She’s only doing more harm than good, and it’s really, really serious harm at that. I mean, what’s worse, a child with autism or a dead child? In a way it’s like she’s saying autism is some horrible thing. And I mean, I know I wouldn’t wish autism on my child or anything, but still I’d love it no less if my child had autism. I guess that’s what really bugs me the most you know, just like, this whole...I don’t know, it’s total bullshit. Really pisses me off. I read this article too about Oprah in Newsweek, really interesting piece. Kind of talked about how she blindly supports these bullshit theories that actually end up hurting people. Do you like Oprah?
ANGELA
She’s...I don’t really watch Oprah.
BRAD
Oh. Neither do I really.
KOBIYASHI enters.
KOBIYASHI
Well if it isn’t Bradley Kuperstein.
BRAD
Kobiyashi. Funny seeing you here.
KOBIYASHI
You on a date?
BRAD
Yeah, I am actually. What of it?
KOBIYASHI
Oh nothing. Just if I were, I don’t know, going up against the best in the biz on Sunday, I might try to practice a little bit, not galivant around gettin my D wet.
BRAD
Okay first of all you are not the best in the biz, we are equally ranked, and second...
KOBIYASHI
you are.
BRAD
I’m sorry?
KOBIYASHI
You are second. Second place. In terms of competitive eating.
BRAD
Not here Kobi. Not here, not now.
KOBIYASHI
If not here, then where? When? Sunday?
BRAD
Hey Kobi.
KOBIYASHI
Yeah?
BRAD
Duck.
KOBIYASHI
No, that’s ravioli.
BRAD
No. Duck.
Brad throws wine in Kobiyashi’s face. He starts eating ravioli at a momentous pace. Kobiyashi joins in.

down the pike

2009-05-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

A few things to look for down the pike:
-"the Royal Scam", my last project for Sound Image.
-"the Late Bus", my 18 minute epic. In a way it's my "Heavens Gate", I was given total freedom and went a little overboard. Only instead of insane critical backlash that ruined my career, my group just got a B instead of an A for going over the time limit, and our project is actually good.
-A long detailed description of the most embarrassing night of my life that turned into one of the purest, honest nights of human interaction.

yups

2009-05-04T00:13:00.001-07:00

I wish I were a 30 year old yuppie living in Park Slope sometimes.

FML!

2009-05-03T18:20:00.000-07:00

FUCK MY LIFE!!!!

There's a floor meeting. While I'm trying to write an essay. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!

On a side note, I wonder if a woman who is illegally living in the united states and working three jobs to raise her six children has ever uttered the phrase "FML", or a man on death row for a crime he didn't commit, or a woman who was raped by her father and has never been able to trust men.

Take Me Out Tonight

2009-04-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

I slept so long yesterday, it was surreal.

And then I woke up and found out my brother had been in a car accident. Luckily he is fine. Our friend Marissa was in the car, and she had to go to the emergency room though. She's fine now though. The car is destroyed though. It's such an old car it's not worth fixing is the thing that it is.

Do you ever just take a second to look back and feel glad you no longer have to do timed writings on Oedipus Rex or Pride and Prejudice? It's nice.

I made a joke on twitter that people are liking, that feels good. It's topical. So that's good. It was, "Damn girl, I better step away before you give me FINE flu!"

Monday is a terrible day to be horny. Is horniness at all related to lack of sleep? Seriously! Let's figure that out!

Well since I just woke it's time I get my day started.

AFI

2009-04-27T00:52:00.001-07:00

I should watch all of AFI's 100 best comedies.

Sam I Miami

2009-04-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

So it is late!

It was hot today! SO HOT! GOD! I couldn't sleep it was so hot.

I went to the Met today. That was a lot of fun. Fuck I am distracted right now, maybe two red bulls was not a good idea. Granted I am awake, but I don't feel as focused as Red Bull promised I would be.

I am in dire need of some closure. Seriously! Also, I am in dire need of certain people to stop creating conflict for everyone I know. It's like come on! Just don't! Ya know? Granted maybe this stems out of their need for closure.

Yeah, this definitely feels like the seventh inning stretch.

I guess my biggest gripe with going home for the summer is that I feel like I've grown and changed so much, and going back would just go against all of that. I want to be here, I want to take Shannon O Neill's 301, I want to go to summer ASSSSCATs and harold nights. But on the other hand it is pretty fucking hot, and I am seriously missing In N out burger, not to mention my family.

Actually, the more I think about it, long distances relationships are not that hard. But being long distances from the food you love? You can't call a hamburger on the phone. You can look at pictures of it, but that isn't satisfying. No, real relationships are more than about looking at someone.

So in my world, eating food=talking with loved one, looking at pictures of food=masturbating.

There's a chance I might be able to get one of the members of Steely Dan in my final Sound Image project. That is if my teacher actually does know them, and if I ask her. I probably won't. But I might.

In other news, I like a girl! She is the greatest. I met her the first week of this semester and was instantly blown away. But I was convinced nothing could happen, she just seemed to great. Finally with a week and a half of school left we've started kind of hanging out. Shitty timing on my part, but as long as it happened! I'm actually not sure where it's going. I know where I want it to go though!

Kanye's right, you gotta keep your love lockdown.

BASS!

2009-04-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

hey dolphins!

What's happening!

Man, this is going to be a strange weekend! Hopefully great though!

I have to go to two museums! And then I also want to go see a lot of improv. I'm going to Gethard's Magic Box of Stories tonight, maybe the Stepfathers right after that, the Room at the Cinema East Village at midnight. Then I'll be up in the cloisters on Saturday, then hopefully seeing Reuben Williams at night.

The damn powers that be took down my Crazy on You video. Sadly I don't have any way to put it back up! The file was on my school computer a year ago. There is no way in hell it's still there. To cope, I plan to reshoot it. I'm going to go all out for this one! There will be some nice costumes, let's just say. I just need a DP. Or do I? I shot the last one without a DP. Hmm......I guess I'll have to get a tripod!

Reviews

2009-04-22T13:21:00.001-07:00

I'm going to start reviewing movies on here.

Broken Glass

2009-04-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

I really need to make 3 Chearleaders. OR wait no, it was 3 guys who think they are girls in a 70's Porno. I'll cast Doug Widdick and Bowen Yang and myself. Comedy sparks will fly. So many sparks people will be like "what are all these sparks doing around here? Jason Statham must have needed to charge his heart!"

Jay Reatard-Night of Broken Glass

I've been really into Steve Martin lately. Ever since Spring Break when I bought comedy isn't pretty, I just can't handle how much of a genius he is. I just watched Bowfinger-it's incredible!!! And LA Story should be coming in the mail tomorrow via Netflix. That is if they don't screw me over! I was supposed to get it a week ago, but it never came. I had to report a shipping problem. I thought I was jumping the gun, but since it still hasn't arrived I was so money. So money. SO MONEY!!! MONEY!!!!

Tomorrow I have another interview for the internship I really want.

I need to end this year on a positive romantic note. But can something wonderful and meaningful happen in two weeks? Or am I crazy? Should I wait until next year? What if I like someone who lives in a city that's pretty close to New York, where I might be staying over the summer? She'd be reasonably close, right? It wouldn't be that weird, right?

I do like someone right now. She rules! It took me a whole semester to do something about, mostly out of fear. I really have grown a lot this year. I mean, to grow you have to hit rock bottom. You have to do those reprehensible things. Well, I guess you don't have to do them. I won't tell my kids, "make sure you drink heavily one night and make out with your good friends ex-girlfriend so you feel really bad about it and only do it once." But it happens. If there's one thing I've learned from Wenders films, people do terrible things. Everyone does. They just do. But the great people don't seak to redeem themselves, they seek to right the things they have wrong. They reunite the families they broke up; they return the drug money; the father the son who they never knew.

It's also really crazy to me that I did a fucking improv show at the Players Theatre. I mean, everyone who takes a UCB class gets a class show at UCB. And I am incredibly proud of my UCB 101 show! But the fact that I did something independently is almost even more empowering.

But yeah, I need to end on a good romantic note.

Parallax and Garugamesh

2009-04-20T23:49:00.000-07:00

Hey Dolphins!

Today I bring you two videos. The first is of my own creation.

This second video I bring you is the video I can't get out of my head. Seriously, this thing has done a great deal of healing today. I went through the worst experience today, and this, in addition to talking with my best friends, is the only reason I didn't buy a dildo and throw it in the Hudson River/smoke a cigarette for the first time.

I don't know why I considered buying a dildo and throwing it in the Hudson River. It was the first crazy thing I thought of. Jake suggested walking to China town or smoking for the first time.

Well to save time I didn't buy a dildo, and I didn't walk to Chinatown or the Hudson River. I watched this video.

Bowfinger rules!

2009-04-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

I had no idea people still read this blog.

Will I ever learn to be careful with online journals? No.

Remember Livejournal? Wait no, this goes even beyond that. Remember journal space? Well I'll never forget the time that I found out my friend Bucky Brooks had made a journal space, and every entry was about how much he hated me for breaking up with my ex-girlfriend. This was in 8th grade. It was pretty intense, but also really funny because so much time had passed. The posts were at least a year old by the time I finally read them, and yet I thought Bucky and I were totally fine the entire time.

And then at the end of 9th grade I wrote a livejournal entry about not liking Liam Neisen's performance in Batman Begins. That launched into a huge debate too.

And then a couple of days ago, Chris Gethard was mocked on morrissey-solo.com for his tattoo. So I launched in to defend him. Sure enough, I was called lame and implied to be a loser.

I guess I worry that as the world becomes increasingly more internet driven, we will find ourselves in more and more arguments. Is that was this thing is for, fighting? If someone says they dislike Wes Anderson in a dining hall, and you love Wes Anderson, chances are you are going to politely disagree. And yet when this conversation takes place over the internet it becomes long and vicious. Granted, part of this has to due with the ability to be anonymous on the internet. We can post anonymously on message boards.

We all have things that infuriate us about others, and the internet allows us to express that.

So You're Thinking About Burrying Your Bone in a Girl's Front Yard

2009-04-13T22:38:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine recently asked me I could be so good with woman. This entry is for him:

The first step of getting a girl to like is easily the simplest: make her think you're afraid of her. I'm not talking about "afraid you're in love" or "afraid of your feelings". I'm talking legitimate fear. Trust you me, you will never get any girl in your bed if she doesn't think you shit your pants every time you see her. If you look at her, and she doesn't think, "wow, this reminds me of what I would look like if I talked to a vampire", find a bridge and live under it.

Unfortunately that's all the advice I have time for today! But stay tuned!

Rake the Muck!

2009-04-08T22:31:00.001-07:00

Rake the Muck!

Happy Passover, Jake!

2009-04-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

My roommate went home for Passover today, and I can't lie, I miss him.

So in honor of him, I decided to take a shit on his bed.

Funny Hat of the Week

2009-04-04T19:05:00.001-07:00

In honor of my mom, I'm going to start posting a funny hat of the week. Each week, I will be showcasing a new funny hat I find on the streets of New York.

The first funny hat was a gift from my mom. This funny hat is perfect for a visit to Scotland, a visit to the home of Scottish friends, a dinner at a Scottish restaurant, a Halloween party, a Scottish party, or even just a day with Scottish overtones.

The hat is funny because it implies the person wearing the hat has long red hair, and is Scottish. To heighten the comedic effect, it is best worn by a person who is neither Scottish or red headed (though a red headed Scottish person could wear this hat for the sake of ironic laughter).

FINAL VERDICT: this is a really funny hat that will definitely bring a few laughs to anyone you meet.

Common Fetish-Doting Balerina Cock in hand

2009-03-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

Man, all my friends are blogging now! And thus telling me I don't blog enough.

I am feeling good. It's nice to be sleeping in a bed again. SXSW was insanely weird, so much going on. It was incredibly taxing, but also super fun.

I've been having a lot of erotic dreams lately. I also had a dream my friends went to Blue Hill Burgers without telling me, but I found out because I also went there alone at the same time.

Steve Martin's Comedy Ain't Pretty is my new favorite stand-up album. Pure genius. Did he invent alternative comedy? Demetri Martin is pretty similar to Steve Martin in all fairness. My big problem with stand up is how much of it sucks. I hate hearing jewish guys who masturbate everyday whine. Go fuck yourself!

What a day!

2009-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

Well today turned around.

I woke up feeling like CRAP. It was like I was going to vomit. Then my teacher wasn't in class, so the TA's taught History of Western Art. And they were great! A lot better than our professor! It was loose but informative. A lot, lot, lot of fun. Also, one of the TAs was better than our professor I'd even argue! Plus, I used my laptop to take notes. It was such a good idea! I am way more prepared now!

And then, holy shit. I discovered this:

http://www.egotastic.com/entertainment/celebrities/michelle-williams/michelle-williams-topless-video-from-incendiary-004438

This is one of the best out of context celebrity nude scenes from a movie I've ever seen for two reasons:
1) it is erotic as fuck
2) the ending.

What the hell happens at the end? What is on the TV? Did Michelle Williams previously mentioned husband and son die? WHAT HAPPENED! I almost want to buy this shitty movie just to find out. But really just to see if there are more sex scenes.

This video also confirms a growing suspicion of mine that Ewan McGregor will be in anything, no matter how awful, so long as he gets an anal sex scene.

And then...the new Grizzly Bear album leaked!

March!

2009-02-27T13:51:00.001-08:00

Am I the only one frightened by the arrival of March? It came so fast. Frightening.

Well my life has been going amazingly well lately. I just feel incredible.

I got an interview with College Humor to be a summer intern! I just have to send in a resume! It's a bit of a ways off, but still very exciting, considering working for College Humor combines everything I love: comedy, film, sketches, and partying really hard on weekends.

I was really emotional last night for some odd reason. The lesson to be learned? Don't sing "Summer Of 69" at a Kareoke party. Well, if you have to sing it, don't go off on this tangent:

"Summer of 69 guys. Does he really care about the fact that his band broke up? Not really. That doesn't really matter in the end. But that girl? She's the only thing that really matters to him. The biggest mistake he ever made was breaking up with her! Don't give up on the one you love guys."

It will get a laugh, but then it will fill everyone with fear and hope and sadness and love-aching.

Thursday also kind of sucked because I wanted it to be much more epic than a normal Thursday night can be. Now I have no problems with having a chill night. But when I expect awesomeness it can be hard to just stay inside. Ahh well.

Back on Wednesday...Man Wednesday was a great night. Daniel and I got out of Storytelling Strategies very early. Early enough to go to Nights of Our LIves. So we did! It was great. I really like Daniel. I got down on him last semester, but he really is an amazing dude. He's a great guy to just talk with about your feelings, because he's really in-tuned with his. He's observational. I can't really get into it, but we talked about a pair of friends of ours, and it really illuminated a lot about them that I had not realized, which in turn got me to think about what a relationship is, and what it should be.

After this chat, we went to the show. It was a wonderful Nights of Our Lives. Anthony Atamanuik's story was so demented and wonderful, and Joe Mande's story was brilliant, but I think it was Gethard's story that stuck with me the most. While I don't think it was his funniest story, the ending of it really affected me. He started it off talking about how after his book was published he got really depressed for a while, and then started taking Brazillian Jujitsu classes. He entered this tournament, and was crushed by another dude, ending with his elbow being pulled out of socket. And then, that guy who destroyed him was choked out in 30 seconds by a 15 year old. The thing that really hit me was he summed it up by basically saying, "I think the thing I learned about myself is...even if I'm struggling and getting my ass kicked, even if I'm losing, I'm not depressed. It's only when the fight is over that I'm out of it." It's one of those things that's hard to explain, but I get it. And yea, even if you're losing at battle, at least you're still fighting.

Women are like Colleges

2009-02-23T19:03:00.001-08:00

Women are like colleges.

2009-02-22T21:03:00.000-08:00

I did not watch the Oscars. Instead I decided to have fun.

But when I got back from doing things that are enjoyable, I noticed that the Oscars were about the only thing anyone twitted about while I was away (being happy). As a result, I realized I not only had a much better time than everyone who watched the Oscars, but I now also know everything there is worth remembering about the Oscars via twitter. Such as:
1. Its bullshit Sean Penn won
2. Sophia Lauren was there
3. Beyonce was associated with something boring
4. Adrien Brody did something very cunt-y

This note could have been a lot shorter and gotten the same message across if I just said "if you watched the Oscars fuck you."

left nostril

2009-02-22T10:29:00.001-08:00

I am a little sore and not hungover. Awesome!

What a night. Well, not a night like Friday was a whata night. But an odd little chestnut of a night no less. I think it's just time to stay away from 3rd North for a while. Shit just gets too...it's a weird place. I don't want to become too much of a personality there, too known. Hayden, I like being at Hayden. I love being a Hayden personality. It's not that hard actually, at least for me. All you have to do is befriend the other Hayden personalities, and then they decide you are something (in my case the funny guy who likes improv and 40's), and then you get to be cool with Ricky.

I wish I could go to Shake Shack before class today. Shake Shack and then Improv and then ASSSSCAT?

I realized the other day that I haven't gone to the Shack since I got here. I also realized that I don't go to UCB shows to "make myself feel better" lately, I just go because I want to see them. I feel like that is the fundamental difference between these semesters. Last semester I was doing a lot to make myself happy, this time I'm just living. Last one, I'd go see Rueben Williams because I needed to, this time I just really want to. Conclusion: I was not all together last semester.

Well I went over the allotted time I gave myself to blog today. Now I'll never have time to go to Shake Shack before improv! GRRRR!!!

"Hipster" vs "Punk"

2009-02-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

Well Hipster is obviously the new Emo, which was the new Goth, which was the new Punk. But what's interesting to me about this new era is the strong denial of being. Punks in 77 didn't walk around with spiked hair saying "i'm not a punk". But hipsters strongly deny being a hipster. There is no pride. Why can't we change this?

Desert Island Discs in an iPod World

2009-02-19T14:51:00.001-08:00

I was writing a list of the ten records I would take on a desert island for a sound class just now. But as often happens during events that inspire essays, I started thinking. What is the point of a desert island list in an iPod world?

It's essentially unpractical. Odds are that if you land on a desert island, you were in a plane that crashed. And the odds are even higher that if you were on a plane, you had your ipod with you.

I guess a more relevant question would be, "if you just got a brand new ipod, and you don't have any music backed up on your computer, and you were going to go on a flight across the country, and you had a sneaking suspicion that your plane was going to crash and you would be stuck on a desert island, what would be the first ten albums you load onto your computer?"

Weird WEEK!

2009-02-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

I was sick all week basically. It sucked balls.

BALLS I TELL YA!

I slept like...a lot.

Yippee Yo? Yipee yay

2009-02-15T21:27:00.001-08:00

Today was a good day with weird moments, but the day is done and I look back at it positively.

Ate a sandwich at Rubin, then talked to my dad about how it's bullshit that they don't start serving lunchy things (other than sandwiches) at NYU dorms on Sundays until 3-ish. He told me one day I'd like breakfast, and then I had this idea for a sketch about a guy who is okay with working for a big corporation and having kids, but promises he will never become "one of those guys who likes breakfast."

I love talking to my dad on the phone. He is always really enthusiastic, and puts me in a good mood. Except for one time I got a text from him that said "my house is empty and my thoughts are dark." I called him to see how he was doing. He then texted me later that day, "you know what I like about you? You're truly genuine. It keeps me going on dark days like this."

that was an odd tangent, but my dad is great! I really love him.

Improv class was great today! I really like my teacher, Jeff Hiller. He is amazing, really funny, really helpful, really nice. I really love doing improv.

I've been feeling great lately; however, tonight I have a very strong feeling that a shit storm is going to ensue, within the next 4 months, probably around April. What type of shit storm? A shit storm of the romantic triangle breed. I can't exactly say who will be involved. I am not even sure if I will be a prominent figure or just a supporting character. But something will go down. I can feel it.

Speaking of things I'm predicting, I would like to announce my plans to make out with Katie Sullivan. Katie lives in Hayden. A close friend of mine (Zoe) called Katie the "most beautiful girl in Hayden", the "female Skye". Zoe made it seem like it would be impossible. I disagree. To prove this to her (but mostly...i dont know), I shall attempt to make out with her.

Chelsea peretti

2009-02-14T21:23:00.000-08:00

I think I want to marry someone like Chelsea Peretti. She seems awesome.

Valentines day was a horrifying day. Looking back, it took forever, had a lot of horrifying moments, and was just generally awkward.

Things have been kind of crazy lately. I feel like I've become a totally different dude, and by that I mean I am a confident dude that can "get with the ladies". Being friends with Zoe and Skye was probably one of the best decisions ever.

pictures

2009-02-11T00:13:00.001-08:00

I should put some pictures here.

I kinda wanna switch to tumblr.

This Blog is awesome

2009-02-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

I under treat you Dolphin Habitat. My notes are just so much more noticed, but I still love you.

I think this is gonna be a diary now. Or just a "document of awesome shit that happened.

New York is the best place

2009-01-26T11:21:00.000-08:00

I heart New York so much right now.

Gethard Tour

2009-01-25T23:40:00.000-08:00

I'm organizing a tour of New Jersey with Chris Gethard! A personal journey through West Orange with the town's proudest son

3 Cheerleaders

2009-01-16T00:14:00.000-08:00

NEw Idea:
the captain of the football team is traded to another team. Three unattractive girls who think they're living in a 70's porno decide to win him back the only way they think they can: with their sexuality.

The girls will be played by me and two other dudes. Or a girl friend of mine with fake teeth.

Cheap Trick "Voices"

2009-01-15T23:08:00.000-08:00

It's funny, but listening to this song reminds me how absent romance and love is from my life. I listen to it and feel a way I haven't felt since November, 2007. Once December came this feeling of love had turned into sad longing for someone unavailable. Then I was really sad for a while, then I was just really detached.

God I love Cheap Trick.

Extras/Entourage mashup

2009-01-15T17:05:00.001-08:00

I want to make a pilot or webseries or something that combines Extras and Entourage. It would be like, a Vinnie Chase guy who is an extra and really takes being an extra seriously, and he has to decide between being an extra in a Disney movie or Shutter Island. It's like Extras in that the main dude is an extra, but it's like Entourage in that he takes himelf very seriously.

Quizno's Sub SWAT Team

2009-01-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

I have this idea for a video sketch where Quizno's hires a SWAT team to break into people's house and feed them subs.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR

2009-01-11T23:04:00.000-08:00

Also, this is the first sketch I wrote after deciding to write a sketch a day. Again, written in a day, pretty rough, acne.

GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
INT. CLASSROOM-DAY

Pre-schoolers stand around a classroom stretching. GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR enters.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OKAY YA’LL ITS TIME TO DO SOME AEROBICS. LET’S DO IT.
He leads them in aerobic work outs, throwing in positive reinforcements.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
THAT’S FUCKIN GREAT YA’LL, KEEP DOIN THAT WHILE I CHECK MY MAIL.
He checks his mail, slowly.
GAY SORT OF RASPY VOICED SOUTHERN AEROBICS INSTRUCTOR
OH NO YA’LL I GOT CANCER.
(Blackout).

Bermuda Triangle

2009-01-11T23:02:00.000-08:00

I decided to write a sketch a day from now on, at least until February 19th.

This is a sketch I just finished, and by just finished I mean wrote a first draft of it. Love it like a child with bad acne, who could one day clear up and go on a date with a girl to a terrible Rob Schneider movie.

PAUL carries LISA into a bedroom.
PAUL
Well Mrs. Kamin, here we are.
LISA
Why thank you, Mr. Kamin.
PAUL
Time to get our freak on!
LISA
(laughs) oh you’re so funny! You when I was a little girl I never thought I would be spending my honeymoon in the Bermuda Triangle, but…here we are!
PAUL
Can you believe it! (beat) say honey, since we’re in the Bermuda…TRIANGLE, and all…maybe we should have a THREEway!
LISA
(beat) Oh you are nothing but a houndog!
PAUL
Woof woof!
LISA
Oh you are nasty!
PAUL
I’ll tell you what’s not nasty, A Bermuda Sex Triangle!
LISA
Well should we go check out the cruise’s buffet?
PAUL
Only if by buffet you mean hot tail for our Bermuda Sex Triangle?
LISA
Paul are you trying to get me to agree to a threeway?
PAUL
No! Not a threeway. A Bermuda Sex Triangle. You know, because…we’re in the Bermuda Triangle.
LISA
Paul why in the world would I want to spend my Honeymoon in a threeway…
PAUL
Bermuda Sex Triangle…
LISA
Bermuda Sex Triangle with you and some tramp we met on a cruise?
PAUL
Lisa, Lisa, I would never…huh, you know what I just realized that’s really funny?
LISA
What?
PAUL
Well I said Lisa, comma, Lisa, but it sounded like Lisa Lisa, lead vocalist of Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam, one of the original American freestyle music groups of the 1980’s, who oddly enough…consisted of 3 people! How odd is it that I should coincidentally mention one of the most important groups of the 1980s, which consisted of THREE members, while on vacation with my beautiful wife in the Bermuda TRIANGLE. (Beat) There are three sides to a triangle.
LISA
Oh my god I can’t believe you! Are you
PAUL
Okay. Great. (Pause) Look honey there’s something else I need to tell you…
LISA
let me just put my suitcase in the closet.
PAUL
Wait what? Oh no let me-
LISA opens the closet. A DEAD HOOKER falls out.
LISA
when were you going to tell me this?
PAUL
I was waiting for you to say “if only hookers weren’t so hard to strangle.”

Wood Painting

2008-12-13T13:21:00.000-08:00

This is a remake I made of the Seventh Seal, for a new audience, that deals with a new plague.

Backstreet boys vs. Justin Timberlake Dream

2008-12-13T11:30:00.000-08:00

I just had the most fucked dream I have ever had. Or at least since 8th grade.

It was basically a series of dreams, a series of music videos. In each video, Justin Timberlake was in love with the girlfriend of one of (or possibly all of) the Backstreet Boys. Somehow, the Backstreet Boy(s?) found out, and Justin Timberlake and the girlfriend had to run away because the Backstreet Boys were going the kill them both. So Justin Timberlake and the girlfriend are running away, but then the Backstreet Boys show up!

So then the come to a fence that has fallen over, and the girlfriend has the brilliant idea to put the fence back up and tie it to the ground so the Backstreet Boys won't find them. But the Backstreet Boys knock it down anyway!

So Justin Timberlake realizes he has to fight the Backstreet Boys. And he does quite well. At this point I went into Justin Timberlake's P.O.V. (that's movie business talk for point of view). And he starts kicking their asses one by one. And the first two Backstreet Boys go down pretty easily, but the third and forth decide to team up, and things stop going well. It looks like Justin Timberlake might lose. The girlfriend is screaming, but she can't help out because she has no tae kwon do experience.

And then, something amazing happens: the fifth Backstreet Boys, Brian Littrell, starts singing "guys stop!" The music and fighting stops for a split second. Then Brian Littrell keeps singing about how fighting won't stop any of their problems. Then, Howie starts singing about he realizes what Brian is saying, and agrees. Suddenly all the Backstreet Boys start singing, because they realize that this blatant dhostility is probably the girlfriend probably left one of them(them?). Justin Timberlake looks at the girlfriend, and they start making out. At this point, the Backstreet Boys start crying, but it's a good kind of crying.

Did I mention that this entire time a Backstreet Boys or NSYNC song was playing? I couldn't tell which one of these two groups the song was by though, and I'm pretty sure it has never been released.

Saved by the Bell season 1

2008-11-26T05:50:00.000-08:00

I could start a new blog called Lessons I learn from episodes of Saved By the Bell.

the episode that's on right now has taught me that I shouldn't sell out my friends in order to get into a group, because any group that would force me to betray others is probably not a group worth getting into to begin with.

The episode before this one taught me that I should always do my homework, and lying is bad.

All the Young Dudes

2008-11-23T22:30:00.000-08:00

This song...this is what life is. You can't describe it, but you just know when you die and you look back on your life, this is going to be the music that accompanies the montage of your memories.

Laundry

2008-11-20T00:34:00.000-08:00

laundry always makes sense in hindsight.

Lesson

2008-11-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

When life gives you lonely friday nights, make a photobooth party for one.

Drunk Moderator

2008-11-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

I've decided to start posting sketches I right here.
This is a sketch I wrote last night. Enjoy!

MODERATOR
Hey what’s up! Oh god what’s a camera doing in this studio!? Just kidding, I know what a camera’s doing in this studio. This is a…debate. So…I’m gonna ask each of these two guys some questions, and they’re gonna answer. It’s gonna be cool.
Hey-hey-hey-who am I? “let’s get it started
in hah, let’s get it started in here”. You know what, let’s make that the first question. Senator Bluford?
JOE BLUFORD
…I believe you are impersonating The Black Eyed Peas?
MODERATOR
YEA I AM! GOOD ANSWER! You freaking rock. Governor Wilson, you’re response?
GOV. JAMES WILSON
I…I would have said the same.
MODERATOR
Holy shit you rock too! Okay next question. Ummm…let’s see…innie Minnie Minnie moe. Just kidding. Bluford.
BLUFORD
(pause) yes?
MODERATOR
You ever think about it’d be like if America was founded by magicians instead of pilgrims?
BLUFORD
(pause) I cannot say I have. But I imagine...
MODERATOR
Yea I do that too. Wilson your response?
WILSON
Perhaps there would be a greater emphasis on coin tricks than religion?
MODERATOR
Yea that’d be cool. Alright, I’m bored, so I think I’m gonna go meet up with my friend Tyrone. Just kidding, Tyrone’s not my friend, I just buy drugs from him. L8er!

...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead?

2008-10-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

More like, ...And You Will Know us By the Trail of the Poorly Reviewed Albums!

Animal Collective

2008-10-27T14:02:00.001-07:00

Animal Collective have a new album coming out.

It's called Merriweather Post Pavillion.

I dont have a link to download it. I'm just trying to see how many more hits I'll get if I mention it. Google alerts is great that way.

It's Ladies Night

2008-10-22T22:44:00.000-07:00

I like it when I can't tell if an R&B song is a parody or unintentionally hilarious.

On an unrelated note, my greatest fear is that I will become the next Tay Zonday.

the Fork and the Electrical Outlet

2008-10-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is an experimental film I made. It's called "the Fork and the Electrical Outlet".

Straight to You: A Morality Play

2008-10-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

This is a morality play I wrote:

INT. LIBRARY-NIGHT
JOHN sits at a table in the library working on his homework on an apple laptop. He is tired. It is 2 AM.
JOHN: All I want to do is listen to the Nick Cave song "Straight to You". Hey wait a minute, I could watch the video on youtube!!!

John looks in his bag to see if he brought his headphones. He did not.

JOHN: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

THE END

While short, my morality play is quite dense and ambiguous. I understand that many might not easily grasp the moral of my morality play. It is only because I care that I will explain the moral, so as to help those who need it: the moral of my morality play is to always bring your headphones with you.

Words I Learn that are also things I want to do someday

2008-10-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

1. Concubinage: the practice of keeping a concubine.
I had no idea concubinage was a word. In fact, I didn't really know what I concubine was until today. Sounds like fun.

Announcing: Roller Coasters Kick Ass

2008-10-11T18:23:00.000-07:00

http://rollercoasterskickass.blogspot.com/

I would like to announce that I am starting a brand new blog, Roller Coasters Kick Ass*. The goal of this blog is to focus on and discuss at great depth about Roller Coasters.

Some of the Roller Coasters that will be discussed include:

Jurassic Park: The Ride, arguably better than Jurassic Park.

Space Mountain, arguably better than space.

Steel Dragon 2000, arguably better than a Steel Dragon.

It is my dream that you will enjoy Roller Coasters Kick Ass as much as I enjoy Roller Coasters.

*Roller Coasters are Awesome and Roller Coasters are Fun were already taken.

http://rollercoasterskickass.blogspot.com/

A Day in the Life of Steven Seagal

2008-10-05T21:09:00.001-07:00

PRODUCER: Steven, our meeting with the investors is in ten minutes and we STILL dont have a plot for the movie!
STEVEN: Don't worry-thats exactly three more minutes than we need.

Titty Fest

2008-10-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

This year's Titty Fest is going to be awesome! The line up is really solid, and it also happens to be on my birthday. I'm so f-ing excited, this is probably going to be the best Titty Fest ever. Which, as anyone who has ever been to Titty Fest will agree, is saying a lot.

Granted, I'll always remember 2003 as the greatest Titty Fest, maybe because it was my first Titty Fest, and maybe because I went with my dad, and maybe because I saw more Titties in one weekend than I had ever seen in my life...ahh damn, I cant wait!

There Will Be Blood 2

2008-10-04T12:55:00.001-07:00

Im writing a sequel to There Will Be Blood. It's going to be called There Will Be Blood 2. Or There Will Be Blood Too.

Covered in Socks

2008-10-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

Im so warm right now I feel like Im in a body sized sock.

Dubliners

2008-09-29T22:34:00.000-07:00

If Dubliners is so "boring", then why are there 16 exclamation points in the story "Eveline" alone?

An Email Exchange Between a Mother and Son (In regards to a youtube video I made)

2008-09-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

From: Mom
To: Son
Subject: Re: Frig movie
> > Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 11:17 AM
> > Hi
> > Check the lighting. You have great expressions, but
> they
> > are lost by darkness on your face.
> > Love you!!!!
> > Mom

From:Son
> To:Mom
> Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 10:33:19 AM
> Subject: Re: Frig movie

> what movie are you refering to?

From: Mom
To: Son
> Subject: Re: Frig movie
> Date: Monday, September 29, 2008, 5:50 PM
> HI
> It was on u tube. Looks like you were in your dorm room.
> Don't mean to be critcal, just advice.
> Mom

From: Son
To: Mom
Sent: Monday, September 29, 2008 4:05:19 PM
Subject: Re: Frig movie

OOOH yea! Yea, it was shot on the camera inside the laptop. I cant really control the exposure on it, but thanks!!!

From: Mom
To: Son
Hi
Well, you can put a light clser to you or above you.
Love, Mom
I hear Speilberg's mom was a pain in the ass while he was in college too!!!!!!
But he got better!!!!!!!!!!

Mystery Team Trailer!

2008-09-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

http://www.mysteryteam-movie.com/

Its awesome! I also saw the first five minutes of the movie at Derrick's Street Legal show a month ago. It's super freaking tight.

Post Rock

2008-09-28T16:58:00.000-07:00

I need to start an instrumental post rock band just so I can name our first album "An Existential Crisis Jeff Foxworthy Underwent While Writing a new 'You Might be a Redneck' Routine."

Zeitgeist Update

2008-09-28T15:09:00.000-07:00

Seems like these days if you say "unbelievable" out loud, everyone in the room will start thinking about Sarah Palin.

Exerpts from Alternate Universe John Dolphin's Livejournal

2008-09-25T20:32:00.001-07:00

-dating a girl named Liz. She's the greatest.
-the beard is coming in nicely, I'm really happy with it.
-work is going really good.
-going to the mountains this weekend. Should be fun.
-Hung out with Marcus. He's doing well.
-Took my Pug Wilson to the vet. Test results came back...negative!!!!!!
-The season premiere of 30 Rock was amazing!!! Oh my god this is going to be a good season.
-Had a great time putting my penis in a vagina last night.

Mr Brightside

2008-09-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

Whenever I hear this song, I want to go back in time and bang a girl who liked this band a lot. She was the sister of the girl I really liked at the time, but looking back, the sister was hotter and easier.

New Facebook

2008-09-24T14:18:00.001-07:00

I think liking the new Facebook is the new hating the new Facebook: not worth joining a group about.

wte 6

2008-09-22T23:56:00.001-07:00

John Townsend
Writing the Essay Section
9/4/08
Exercise 6
I am afraid I might shit myself. I am one of two people riding an old, rickety E train downtown, six stops more stops until I’m home. Terror accumulates with each successive stop; the closer to home I die, the more tragic the irony. My traveling companion is a six-foot tall black man in a Tupac shirt. He could fit basketballs in his biceps and six baseball bats in each of his legs. A red Doo-rag covers his awful smelling Corn Rows (though I might just be smelling the results of a homeless man who forgot to go before he left the house). I am a white kid in a red American Apparel sweater and checkered Vans. I have a Jew-fro.
More than anything I try to avoid his eyes; I pretend to be studying at the subway map to my left, though really I have my peripheral vision working overtime on this man, vaguely chronicling his every move. This is the kind of man who tells you a long, detailed monologue before he kills you, a monologue with Biblical allusions that heavily involve sheppards. This man is the 21st Century black Travis Bickle. This man looks dangerous. The train finally stops at West 4th Street and I bolt.
I have only walked a block when it hits me: I am a Racist. Sure, he was a scary looking man. But after forcing myself to reevaluate the ride, I realize he was almost completely motionless the entire time; I doubt he even recognized my presence. And yet I still cannot deny the sheer fear I felt sitting on the same train as him. I am also puzzled by how in addition to fear, I had an overwhelming sense of fury toward this guy, as if I were really mad that he was forcing me to question the immediacy my death. Was I afraid of this man because he looked dangerous, or was I afraid of him because he looked Black?
A day later I walking to class through Washington Square Park, still worrying heavily about what kind of underlying bigotry might lie within me, when a “blast” from the past walks by me. He is about 8 feet tall: 6 feet of actually man, 1 foot of spiked green hair, and 1 foot of black platform boots. Chains circle his crotch and safety pins penetrate his skin. He is a pale white guy, and I am seriously afraid of him. He looks like he would tell you Anarchy is the only logical form of government, but then falls asleep every time he opens his copy of Anarchy in Action which he is this close to returning to his friend who works in a used record store. He is walking toward me. As he continues to come closer to me, I find myself not only getting more scared, but angrier, the same way I felt on the subway.

The David Mamet Children's Theatre

2008-09-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last night I went with my girlfriend to a production of Cinderella at the David Mamet Children's Theatre. While I have no children of my own, I had long wanted to attend the Theatre, despite mixed reviews of past productions Seven Dwarves and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

They say great revivals force you to look at old stories in completely new lights; the same can be said of David Mamet's Cinderella. Mamet has morphed what was once a story of a girl going to a ball into a cutting social commentary on how greedy and success driven our contemporary society has become.

The fast-paced and cynical dialogue was a bit hard to follow at times, and a few audience members around me complained that Cinderella was portrayed as a "selfish cunt".

While I felt like the underlying tones of anti-semitism were a bit complexing and uncalled for, I really liked the show, and hope to attend the Theatre's upcoming production of the Little Mermaid.

Deerhunter's Microcastle Review (as seen in Outback Steakhouse's Quarterly Magazine)

2008-09-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

So a couple months ago, a friend of a friend set me up with my first big break: reviewing an album of my choice for Outback Steakhouse's quarterly magazine. It was a really amazing opportunity, and I am glad to say that here is the fruit of that opportunity:

My roommate sent me a link to Deerhunter's new album a while ago, and I've been loving it ever since. It's easily going to be one of my favorite albums of the year. It is simply amazing.

In order to explain my feelings for Microcastle, I am going to give a track by track analysis of what makes each song so good, in an easy to understand manner.

"Intro"
The opening track to Microcastle is reminiscent of walking into an Outback Steakhouse. Much as the scents of other customers food establishes the meal about to ensue, "Intro" is filled with sounds that will be explored later in the album. And just like walking into the Outback Steakhouse, you can't exactly pinpoint why, but you just know you are getting into something incredible.

"Agoraphobia"
The second track is the Bloomin Onion of the album. You have finally sat down, your waiter has arrived with a smile on her face, and BAM! sweet, sweet succulence is shoved down your throat. You almost can't believe how beautiful things have gotten in such a short span of time. It ends, and you actually think you might cry; not now maybe, but you know in your heart that someday, someplace, it will happen, and it will surprise no one.

"Never Stops"
If "Agoraphobia" is the Bloomin' Onion, "Never Stops" is the Outback Steakhouse's Pink Lemonade-unbelievably juicy, quench thirsting and refreshing. You don't think so much beauty could come to you so quickly. It suddenly becomes clear that this is a place you will want to be coming back to.

"Little Kids"
The fourth track, much like the Tassie's Buffalo Wings, is purely delicious, though a little spicy for some.

"Microcastle"
The beginning of "Microcastle" is a little slow and boring. It brings to mind the time spent waiting for a Top Shelf Patron Margarita. But once the drums kick in, the song becomes the musical equivalent to a Top Shelf Patron Margarita: thrilling, pounding, and uplifting.

"Calvary Scars"/"Green Jacket"/"Activa"
The three songs that follow "Microcastle" evoke the same feelings felt at the beginning of that song. Only instead of waiting for a Top Shelf Patron Margarita, these three songs are reminiscent of waiting for one of the Outback Steakhouses entrees. Boredom settles in.

"Nothing Ever Happened"
From the depths of boredom comes this savory track. Full of life and capable of inflicting sensory overload, no piece of music in recent memory has come this close to replicating the experience of indulging in a Chargrilled Ribeye.

"Saved By Old Times"
It only takes five words to aptly describe "Saved By Old Times": Outback Steakhouse's Key Lime Pie.

"Twilight at Carbon Lake"
The final song on Microcastle bears a strong resemblance, in both tone and ambiance, to standing in the parking lot of the Outback Steakhouse. Within seconds, the memories of the night come pouring back. The pure magic of the night becomes palatable. All the little portions-the bloomin onion, the ribeye-wander through your memory, until the only logical conclusion is tears.

Things That Have Amazed Me In New York, 8/today/08

2008-08-27T19:42:00.001-07:00

A spray painted wall
An air-freshener called Orange Juice on a bathroom sink in a cafe in...one of the villages
The fact that freshener has an e after the h
a poster for Soul Calibur 4 in front of a Blockbuster (it had Yoda on it and I did not know Yoda was in Soul Calibur 4)

I have finally found a place I can sing "Six Pack" in the middle of a crowded street to no one's surprise.

Guitar Hero Sweatpants

2008-08-20T12:24:00.001-07:00

I have them.

Quitting

2008-08-17T20:14:00.000-07:00

Quitting is not easy. I suck at it.

Getting fired is easy though.

Los Campesinos!

2008-08-14T16:53:00.000-07:00

I don't think I could build a robot cuter than Los Campesinos.

But I bet this guy could:

Dinosaur Fusion

2008-08-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

When two dinosaurs...become one.

Punk Band or Idiom?

2008-08-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

It's Punk Band or Idiom!
For each entry you must guess if it is a punk band, or an idiom, or both!
1. uh oh!
2. Kick the Bucket
3. Battle of the Sexes
4. Complaints are Up
5. Back Seat Driver

Guess!!!!

Big the Comic

2008-08-06T16:31:00.000-07:00

Has anyone ever written a Big comic book? The Tom Hanks movie? Can I? Who do i have to talk to about clearing that?

They've done Indiana Jones comics, Predator comics, Buffy comics. It wouldn't be that far of a stretch. He could be a superhero somehow. I mean, I'd have to think about it, pull an Alan Moore maybe. It'd be hard but, I think it could work!

Something like, he decided that...OH!! I GOT IT!!!

So time has passed. Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks Character) is one year older. His girlfriend has been brutally raped by a child molester. Not content to sit around and wait for Dateline to catch him, Josh returns to Zoltar Speaks. He makes a new wish: to be able to turn into an adult with super strength whenever he wishes.

With his new found ability, Josh lures predators into his home in his child form, "goes to his bedroom to freshen up", and then comes back a super strong 30 year old with nothing better to do than do some pounding!

That last part was sexual, wasn't it?

Love Revolution

2008-08-04T20:49:00.000-07:00

So I'm working at Kohl's. Today I worked for 7 and a half hours and heard the new Lenny Kravitz single "Love Revolution" 9 times. Techically, I only heard Lenny Kravitz's "Love Revolution" six times; the other three times I heard Mr. Kravitz's wonderful composition was a cover, sung by a woman, slowed down, and played on an organ (this is good-the key to any revolution is to cover all the marketing demographics; Lenny attracking the rockers, this woman the housewives).

I don't know what Mr. Kravitz is trying to accomplish here. I do know though that if you buy two pairs of Levi Jeans you get a free copy of Mr. Kravitz's new album. What is he trying to do here? Spread the word about the Love Revolution to people who don't usually buy his albums? Get rid of some cd's? Who knows, maybe this was how the French Revolution got started. For all we know, the Federalist papers came free with the purpose of two carts of Tea. Or for every 3 wigs. Wigs were very popular during the American Revolution, because Shampoo hadn't been invented, so most men went bald by 12.

The first five times, I thought, "this is so stupid." But by the ninth time, I gotta say, I'm actually kind of excited about the Love Revolution! Sure I have my doubts and questions, but nevertheless, I'm kinda pumped.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 5

2008-08-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

In conclusion to Rage Against the Machine Fact Week, today's fact number will be written in Spanish!

FACT SINCO: My high score on Guitar Hero for Rage Against the Machine's "Bulls On Parade" is around 107,000. I think, somewhere around there.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 4

2008-07-31T10:55:00.000-07:00

It's day four, and what better way to celebrate America's most delusional band than with a fun fact and a music video!

FACT #4:Rage Against the Machine voice revolutionary viewpoints highly critical of the domestic and foreign policies of the U.S. government.

Have I shown this video already? It's hard for me to keep track because all their songs are so boring.

Rollerworld Teaser Trailer

2008-07-30T12:15:00.000-07:00

I only need 19,000,900 dollars more to finish this movie.

Almost Dead

2008-07-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm writing a script for Steven Segal called Almost Dead.

The tagline is this:
"They thought he was dead.
But he was only almost dead."

Kitties Meowing

2008-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Outside my window, I can hear two precious little kitties meowing. Their voices are so soft and delicate, it's like they're whispering to me, "Heeeeelp? heeeelp?"

Does anyone have a shotgun they can lend me?

Prison Politics

2008-07-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about starting a new blog called Prison Politics. I will write it as Gary Glitter, a man convicted of arson who also unfortunately shares the same name as arena rocker/child stalker Gary Glitter. IT will be his forum to vent his frustrations, such as:
The Shifty Warden
the Cafeteria
roommate conflict
his struggle to break out of prison
The portrayal of Prison on the show Prison Break

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 3

2008-07-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

FACT 3: The group's music is distinguished primarily by de la Rocha's rhyming styles and powerful stage energy, and Morello's unorthodox guitar techniques.

Comic Con: Wolverine

2008-07-25T12:23:00.001-07:00

I've been reading about Hugh Jackman's appearance at Comic Con, and something struck me: if you changed Hugh Jackman to Jesus, and Len Wein to God, the arrticles actually make more sense.

It didn't take long for the first surprise of the Con! Just after the MAX PAYNE and THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL panels wrapped, the stage went empty until a special guest walked in off the side of the stage. "Ladies and gentlemen, JESUS CHRIST."

I've seen a lot of craziness in Hall H in my time but I don't think I've ever seen anything like this before. Bedlam. Absolute bedlam. The crowd just went completely insane. Grown women weeping. Men rushing the stage. It took a good five minutes for everyone to calm down before JESUS could even speak. Finally JESUS said he just got off a flight from Australia but that there was no way he was missing Comic-Con this year. JESUS said he wanted to pay homage to the creator of JESUS, GOD, who was in the audience. It was at this point JESUS decided he wanted to come down into the Hall H crowd.

Security wasn't prepared and JESUS was mobbed prompting him to later admit that "maybe that wasn't such a great idea." But JESUS was able to come down and shake GOD's hand and high-five a few people in the audience. Once back on stage JESUS apologized for not having a full panel.

It's still early to call it the best of the Con, but I can't imagine anything approaching the fever pitch in Hall H when CHRIST came out and screened the footage. Unfortunately I don't see an official version coming online soon but man was it good!

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 2

2008-07-25T00:20:00.000-07:00

FACT #2: Rage Against the Machine is noted for its blend of rap, heavy metal, and funk.

Rage Against the Machine Fact Week: Day 1

2008-07-24T02:41:00.000-07:00

This week is Rage Against the Machine Fact Week. Each day will be celebrated with a RATM fact and an accompanying music video.

WEDNESDAY FACT: Rage Against the Machine is an American rock band.

MOTHFIGHT! & Other Things That Achieve Super Awesome-ity

2008-07-22T02:27:00.001-07:00

Mothfight is super awesome.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is also super awesome.
La Taqueria is super awesome.
Nude pictures of celebrities are super awesome.
the new Deerhunter album is super awesome.
My brother is super awesome.
Oreos are super awesome.
Human giant is super awesome.
Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog is super awesome.
Toy Story is super awesome.
The licorice I keep in my car is super awesome.
Jeph Loeb is super awesome.
Y The Last Man is super awesome.
This one time I hooked up with a volleyball player was super awesome.

Dear David Gray

2008-07-20T02:18:00.000-07:00

Dear David Gray,
Dear David Gray,
When you sing "Let go of your heart, let go of your head" on your wonderful song "Babylon", you don't know how badly I want to say back to you, "Okay."

I also want you to know that when you sing "for crying out loud...", I think to myself,
"exactly!"

Thank you for writing anthems for people who are afraid to yell.

Mustaches

2008-07-15T18:16:00.000-07:00

I know this girl who dates this guy who has a mustache. He's about two years older than her. It makes him look like he's four years older than her. It also makes him look like a guy who has a collection of naked pictures that makes him cry when he looks at them. I also think he: masturbates a lot, begs her to videotape them having sex, enjoys going to farmers markets, and has tasted his own sweat.

5 Ideas For Future National Treasure Sequels

2008-07-15T00:28:00.001-07:00

1. Nick Cage finds a treasure map for the fountain of youth which turns out to be...inside Mount Rushmore!
2. Apparently, there is a map to a pile of treasure. Unfortunately...it's in the coat pocket of the jacket George Washington wore...when he died!
3. Something involving Bald Eagles.
4. Turns out, The White House is a space ship that can fly to the moon!
5. something american...historical...related to america...uhhhhh.........fuck.....the Emancipation Proclamation is a treasure map to...a magical island..filed with gold...but it's run by Leprechauns...who are also Nazis.

Second Hand Luke

2008-07-14T02:16:00.001-07:00

Here's the problem with Anti-Smoking PSAs: they're setting their sights to high*. Getting kids to stop smoking is an uphill battle. Face it, they've been fighting it for, I don't know, at least 18 years, and while I don't know the statistics to back up the fact that more kids are smoking, I'm pretty sure such statistics exist. And if you're wondering what kind of credentials give me the right to act like I know everything about statistics, I got a 4 on the AP Stat test. So YEA, I do know everything about Statistics.

Getting kids to stay away from cigarettes and weed is a long term war, a war where the same battle is being refought endlessly. And unfortunately for America, that particular Battle is the epic/final/'it all comes down to this'/showdown/winner takes all battle of America vs Smoking. We lose everytime, and everytime Smoking says, "Come on, I'll give you another shot."

But instead of trying so hard to win this particular battle, we need to fight other battles first. Get a few notches on our belts. Start small and work our way up to the Final Showdown. I mean, it's the final fucking showdown! They wouldn't call it Final if you were supposed to start off with it!

In order to get kids to quit smoking, we need to convince them that second hand smoke is cool. Really cool. Anyone who has seen an episode or two of Twin Peaks will tell you how cool it looks. We get so mystified seeing Audrey Horne lighting up...but how awesome does Dale Cooper look sitting next to her? Doesn't he just look like a badass? You totally know he can smell that smoke.

Sadly, most films and television series tend to cut away from the second hand smoker and focus on the first hand smoker. Audiences have been forced to wonder what awesomeness eludes them for so long, it's as if they no longer care.

Luckily, I've written a screenplay that will change that. It's called Second Hand Luke. Luke is a rebel with an agenda: look after his and only his interests. We open on Luke's smoking hot girlfriend...SMOKING! We slowly move in onto her lips, as the smoke cascades through, and then slowly, pan over to Luke, a true bad ass, standing there, breathing it all in, and avoiding all the serious consequences his smoking hot girlfriend will face later in life, such as Emphysema, Lung Cancer and Bad teeth.

I'm not going to lie, the plot to Second Hand Luke is pretty insignificant. It's downright awful, it's meandering and aimless at the same time, etc, etc. But here's the genius of it: that doesn't matter. Second Hand Luke is a propaganda film. We're not trying to make a great film here; we're trying to get kids to start hanging out with other kids who smoke.

Here's how it works:
a. Sean smokes
b. Tom and Dick start hanging out with Sean
c. Sean gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends
d. Sean starts hanging out with David
e. David gets tired of being the least cool kid in his pack of friends

And so it goes, until eventually no one smokes.

I think that would work. That is not to say I've actually thought about it. I guess it could work is probably the proper thing to say.

*is this a pun?

Satanic Text Messages

2008-07-13T01:59:00.000-07:00

From: Satan 6:42 PM 7/11/08
"Yo what up?"

From: Satan 6:52 PM 7/11/08
"Chillin wit Chris. What u doin tonight?"

From: Satan 6:59 PM 7/11/08
"Wanna see Hancock?"

From: Satan 4:23 PM 7/12/08
"Hey"

From: Satan 4:41 PM 7/12/08
"you there?"

From: Satan 4:49 PM 7/12/08
"What are you doing tonight?"

From: Satan 5:13 PM 7/12/08
"Do you wanna see Hancock tonight? I already saw it wit Chris but its good, I wanna see it twice. Especially wit u :)"

From: Satan 6:33 PM 7/12/08
"Oh No worries. Sucks that you cant come :(. That sounds like fun though, wish I could be a part of that :)"

From: Satan 6:35 PM 7/12/08
"Oh no I wasn't implying anything. Nah, it would be weird if I came to your sisters Bat Mitzfah. Still sounds like fun though"

From: Satan 8:23 PM 7/12/08
"Hancock is better the second time"

From: Satan 8:24 PM 7/12/08
"Id still be down to see it with you a 3rd time tho :)"

From: Satan 8:33 PM 7/12/08
"Really? Oh, yea, you should totally see it with your family. They'll love it."

From: Satan 3:30 PM 7/13/08
"Did u like Hancock?"

From: Satan 3:38 PM 7/13/08
"really? Huh. I guess, I liked it though."

From: Satan 3:42 PM 7/13/08
"Maybe u'd like it better a second time ;)"

From: Satan 3:45 PM 7/13/08
"oh. Well...yea fine."

From: Satan 3:50 PM 7/13/08
"What's your deal Beth? You think just because Hell hath no fury I won't get...forget it. Forget u."

Dashboard Confessional

2008-07-13T01:51:00.000-07:00

The tragedy of Dashboard Confessional:
You have to be inhuman not to cry listening to Dashboard Confessional
You have to be really stupid for it to be socially accepted that you listen to Dashboard Confessional

Oh, if only I weren't so hung up about people respecting me and thinking I'm smart.

and o god, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7itHHrTty0 "Screaming Infidelities"? Does it get prettier? Sadder? Realer?

"Hey wait a minute, you're writing a blog about them. Doesn't that mean you're admitting to liking them, and therefore retarded?"
Yes.

Things I Think About at 2:55 AM

2008-07-12T02:55:00.000-07:00

"If I use the Final Cut Crop tool, I COULD make a video of me having sex with myself!"

New Crush

2008-07-12T00:09:00.001-07:00

I like someone I don't really know too well. I feel like a new gum, waiting to be accepted by the American Dental Association.

Reasons Why I Can Relate to Tom Hanks' Character in Sleepless in Seattle

2008-07-11T23:32:00.002-07:00

1. I used to live near Seattle
2. I've always suspected I might have a precocious 8 year old son.
3. I too find Meg Ryan attractive.
4. I doubt I would be able to get over the death of my wife.
5. I often have trouble sleeping.

My Mom on Tokyo Story

2008-07-11T23:29:00.000-07:00

MOM: What else do you have to watch?
ME: The Conformist, Tokyo Story. You probably won't want to watch that one. It's about parents who visit their kids but their kids don't want to see them.
MOM: It's not my story. Fiction. I can enjoy it for what it is. Fiction.